sadaoru ([info]sadaoru) wrote,
@ 2009-03-27 02:53:00
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Entry tags:me, real life

Losing Myself....
If your looking for a friendly happy-go-lucky post from me...you will NOT find one here!

I'm losing myself....

I've lost my life of freedom and independance and it's killing me...

I also can't explain why but Ever since I've come home I don't want to listen to any Japaanese music or watch Japanese dramas...nothing....I think I might be depressed...

I'm not sure...maybe I'm avoiding it all because I'm still upset...

And my mom said that I have to "dis-associate" myself from Japan/Japanese things since when I talk it's always about Japan...

It just feels like a whole that was FINALLY filled was instantly emptied...AGAIN!
As clique as that sounds, I don't care!

I applied to schools here in Toronto so in 4 years I can have my B.A maybe but I think even that is an out-of-reach dream...

If I don't get accepted for College/university or OSAP then I will not be able to go to school and all my dreams will go up in flames

I haven't watched a single SMAPxSMAP episode ...and we all know how MUCH I loved SMAP before I left...They were beginning to replace KAT_TUN dammit and now I don't want to watch them...I make up some excuse!

And Cartoon KAT-TUN...let's not even go there! That's even MORE worse off tan SMAPxSMAP!!!!

What the fuck is wrong with me!?
HONESTLY!!!

I also miss my best friend!
She was there everyday and maybe I just didnt appreciate her like I should have...
Sorry...for the fights and the unpleasant times...but I can't thank you enough for all the times we shared happily in that room...and in that city....
I feel so lonely now that I'm here and I wish I could just call you like I used to and hang out in downtown er something...

I also miss hearing" oh kuuuuri" everyday from another special person!

I'm also fearing that even if I go to school and do all this...in 4 years will there be anyone really waiting for me?
Will everyone I knew and loved be gone and moved on with their life?

I just smile and act like nothing is bothering me so that my family thinks I'm over the whole moving back thing....becuz I can't talk to them...

I fought with my mom recently and she said "don't take out the fact that your unhappy and that you had to move back here out on me! Move out! i don't want you here!" and this is another reason why I feel at a loss....

What has happened to me....


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[info]angel_9_lives
2009-03-27 07:14 am UTC (link)
*hugs* you can still come this way~

<3

~Angel

(Reply to this)


[info]shinraisei
2009-03-27 07:21 am UTC (link)
I don't exactly know what is going on but, I hope things will get better.

In addition:

If I don't get accepted for College/university or OSAP then I will not be able to go to school and all my dreams will go up in flames

Not true. Sure, if you weren't accepted, you'll feel sad, crushed, unhappy etc. but it's not the end of your dreams. I mean, you're how old? Quite young. I would tolerate a statement like that if you were in your 40s. There's always other options--work, extra credits (online, at another college--just to busy yourself with one course or two), travel if you can, or work so that you don't have to rely on OSAP so much as a crutch and end up in debt.

I know you likely said that in the moment, but don't think about it like that as being the end result because that's not reality. Getting into university isn't a one-shot-one-try-only and that's it. Never is. You can apply again and again, if you don't get accepted and it's because you're missing a course, take it at a college (like those open courses) or through an online university (like Athabasca). I've known friends who were accepted and then at the end of first year, took a year off, I've known friends who've not been accepted, taken the year off and worked, I've known friends doing university part-time and they haven't been walking around saying "My dreams are up in flames".

You're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you.

Sorry if that sounded blunt but I hope it shed light on the whole affair. Don't think about the whole getting into university thing like that, it's bad IMHO.

Anyways, I hope you feel better *hugs*

(Reply to this)


[info]encoded_panties
2009-03-27 01:55 pm UTC (link)
♥ *clings*

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[info]kitsunemd
2009-03-27 03:20 pm UTC (link)
Japan has left such a great impact in your life and I understand why you feel that way... it's hard to let go of something very special and important to you.

I hope you feel better soon *hugs you tight*

(Reply to this)


[info]springswan
2009-03-27 04:57 pm UTC (link)
*hugs so tight*
You're missing Japan that's it.
Good luck with the schools honey. <33

(Reply to this)


[info]kamesoul
2009-03-27 08:18 pm UTC (link)
awww honey! I think its just a stage you are going trough~
it will be over soon I hope! you got to be strong which I know you are!
any person would feel that way! there in nothing wrong with you~
good luck with everything! I am sure you mom wants you by her side! its just *mom thingy* hope you feel better soon! *misses you*

(Reply to this)


[info]dogangel22
2009-03-27 08:49 pm UTC (link)
you shouldnt give up. i dont think anyone expects you to be feeling okay so quickly. It will take time i guess. maybe talking about it with a counselor or someone close to you that you are NOT living with at the moment would be good. And also about college, please. Dont dash your dreams already. You have your whole life ya know. You have to give your all so that you will have no regrets. Thats how I live. Just give it your all. I didnt think I would get into the college Im in now. Not in a MILLIIIOOON years but I gave it my best and now im here. So just work hard! Also, get an international phone card. I think you need to talk with your friends again. ^_^

(Reply to this)


[info]shimmeredusk
2009-03-27 09:35 pm UTC (link)
*hugs* it's ok, I went through the same thing as well when I came back D: It really hits you hard, and though it does take a while for you to get back out of it, you will be ok :3 ♥

I hope you do get into one of the BA courses though :D Don't worry! Things will get a lot better and you will be back on your feet. I think being away (not necessarily just to Japan but in general) makes you really think a lot about life and what you're going to do with it ... it certainly made me feel like that :S If you need to chat though, just ping :3

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[info]bummie_face
2009-03-27 10:08 pm UTC (link)
aww kristin =(
I know you miss Kazu a lot, and it must be hard for you to be back in such a... weird environment after being away for so long. And I know how much you love Japan. :)

but it's not the end of the world, being back in Toronto. School and OSAP... they're not things that go away. and how old are you??? NOT OLD ENOUGH TO SAY, 'I CAN'T!' To be honest, I didn't get OSAP, and I was scared I wasn't going to get into uoft (of all schools I decide I want to go to, right?)... but if you work hard, and keep your spirits up, it'll be ok! And it's not like I got into all the programs that I wanted. A lot of people get rejected, but they figure out that university's just not for them. A lot of my friends to go college; some are at george brown studying culinary arts, some are at Seneca for medical-related studies.

Seriously, kristin. :) Don't worry if you don't get in at first. You have your whole future still lying ahead for you! Jackie's here to support your every endeavor, whether it be for school, or for something as trivial as what to wear! ^^

げんきを　だして　ください☆
わたしは　あなたを　しんじている　から！

(Reply to this)


[info]adlizto
2009-04-01 08:18 pm UTC (link)
coincidentally i was listening to the perfect song while reading this
please listen to it (^_^)
and everything will work out. trust me.

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